In the last few days at least 5 of my friends on Facebook have posted links to this article, "You Never Marry The Right Person." On reading the article my first impulse was to agree - sounds sensible after all. But, then I thought about it and discovered I disagreed with almost everything! And, then I thought some more ...
In this blog post I plan to elaborate on at length on my thoughts. I'd love to hear your thoughts on my thoughts but please keep in mind that this is all coming from an Old Maid who has observed a lot of marriages, successful and other wise, but has yet to turn theory into practice.
The plan is to cover the topic in three parts:
1. My general thoughts about marriage.
2. The article.
3. My thoughts about the article.
My General Thoughts About Marriage:
So I don't believe in Disney's idea of love and marriage ...
First; my thought is that the whole "eye's meeting over crowded room" thing is lust, plain and simple. 'Mmm he looks nice ...' Or to be more precise, attraction, and there is nothing wrong with attraction as long as you don't let it grow into sin (James 1:14-15). In fact I think it would be wrong to marry someone that you're not attracted to! However attraction/lust mustn't be the foundation for a marriage, and in the movies it often is. That attraction/lust is often misnamed as love.
Second; the most important thing to consider when choosing a partner is character, because it is the character you have to live with, the person will get old and droopy and lose their good looks, character is much harder to change. And, there is no way you can know a persons character from an 'eye meeting.' To learn a persons character takes time, time to sift through image to find truth. After all everybody is good at acting and projecting the image they want you to believe, so time is needed in a variety of situations to see what the person is really like. Therefore, "knowing he/she is the one" from an 'eye meeting' is an illusion.
Third; 'love conquers all,' I think this is the biggest Hollywood lie of them all. If love conquered all then there would be no divorce - ever, because everybody who gets married thinks they're in love at the time. However, as we know, divorce is rife, so loved died - it was conquered, rather than being conqueror. I believe/suspect the reason for this failure of love is actually because Hollywood's definition of love and God's definition of love are quite different.
Holywoods definition of love is equal to lust, 'he makes me feel good, I want more of that.' This definition has been accepted by most people in the world hook line and sinker, because people like to feel good, and most people are controlled by their feelings. I believe we must learn to control our feelings, not be control by them, reason must be the boss. If two people go into marriage with Hollywood's definition of love then they are going to have to work very very hard at being married, because from my observations there are many times when marriage does not feel good. So in all likelihood people who base their love experience on feelings are going to find that their love dies.
God's definition of love is 'to lay down our life for a friend.' (John 15:13) Jesus demonstrates this definition every moment of his life. If both people in the marriage are focused on making the other person happy, regardless of their own feelings, then both people are going to be gifted with happiness - the happiness generated by doing good things for someone else and the happiness given to them by their partner. Two people who go into marriage with Gods definition of love have the opportunity to create a little piece of heaven on earth.
The foundation of any marriage must be God - a marriage should be a trinity, rather than a twosome. When both people are individually committed to pursuing a relationship with God then they can not help but grow towards each other, because as they individually grow closer to God they will grow closer to each other as well.
The Article:
The basic premise of the article is that 'no two people are compatible,' not ever!
First, the article states that people spend to much time thinking about compatibility. That previous generations did not worry about this and that in their search for compatibility people have set their standards too high because people are looking for self fulfilment in marriage - 'what can I get' rather than 'what can I give.' Then, because their standards are too high, people get bogged down looking for a compatible partner that basically cannot exist.
The article gives the following reasons for why people aren't compatible;
1. Marriage changes people, so the one you thought was 'the one' can turn into someone else after marriage and turn out not to be 'the one' after all.
2. We are all sinful broken human beings who are selfish and destroy each others happiness.
It concludes by saying that marriage is painful and wonderful at the same time because it is a reflection of the gospel, the gospel shows us the truth about how terrible we are and that Jesus loves and accepts us regardless and that this love is transformational. The article states that the hard times drive us closer to God while a good marriage gives us a place to experience this kind of transforming love on a human level.
My Thoughts About The Article:
Now in defence of the article I must say that what was posted to the website is just an excerpt from a larger book, it is likely that the book in it's entirety addresses some of the things I disagree with ... I'd love to get my hands (and eyes and brain) on it.
I agree with the authors conclusion - marriage should be a space where two people give each other the opportunity to experience the transforming love of God on a human level. This is only possible if each person in the marriage already is walking with God in their own personal life, when the marriage is in fact a trinity, God, husband, wife.
However I disagree with many other things!
First, the whole 'no two people are ever compatible' philosophy. The article makes it sound like it doesn't matter who you marry, any one person is as good, or as bad, as any other because nobody is compatible. I agree there will always be differences and potential for conflict, but some people are more different than others. Some people will find it easier to live together than others because of personality, interests, and outlooks on life, etc. To just go marry anyone because you feel like you love them is just plain irresponsible as far as I'm concerned. When those initial 'love/lust' feelings wear off there needs to be something solid to base the marriage on, shared faith and purpose, interests, deepening friendship, respect, as well as chemical attraction.
Yes, I agree there is in all likelihood no 'perfect' match for me, however there are matches that are better than others, and I believe that God gives His best to those who wait on him. (Psalm 147:11The LORD favors those who fear Him, Those who wait for His loving kindness, Isaiah 30:18 But the Lord longs to show you his favor. He wants to give you his tender love. The Lord is a God who is always fair. Blessed are all those who wait for him to act!.) Plus, I've been praying that God will grow my future husband (God knows who he is) and I towards each other now, before He brings us together, so that when we do come together we will fit each other like a hand and a glove. And I know God answers prayer!!
Second, Peoples standards are too high, the authors seem to indicate that people should not have any standards (I really suspect they don't mean this at all, however since all I have been able to read is this snippet I will respond to it.) I agree the excuses mentioned in the article are ridiculous, they are based on self fulfilment - Hollywood's love, not God's love. But, this does not mean that standards should be abandoned all together, rather we should set them higher, we should have God's standards not man's standards.
God's standards include things like a humble teachable spirit, a contrite heart, a yearning for God, a love for Gods law and a desire to keep it, a determination that by the grace of God all known sin will be removed from the life and the knowledge that love for God will come above love for any other thing in the persons life - including the spouse God gifts them with. (That's the place where Adam fell, he loved Eve, the gift, more than he loved God, the giver.) These examples of God's standard seem impossibly high but God has promised "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
I know some of you, my friends, are thinking, 'Cat, be realistic, this is why you are 40 and still not married.' Well maybe so, however I love my life, yes, marriage would add a new dimension, another layer of adventure to it, but if it is God's plan that I remain single then I would rather be single and happy with God than go my own way, make my own choice and be regretful. I've seen too many bad marriages to want to take the risk of stepping into the biggest adventure of them all without God's express approval that this is what he has chosen for me. I've seen His hand too clearly in my life, protecting me from making wrong choices in this area, sometimes in spite of myself, to quit allowing Him to lead me now. I believe that, while, as Jesus told us, there will not be marriage in heaven there will however be marriage in the new earth - just look at all the prophecies in Isaiah for example, so if God doesn't bring me to my husband before Jesus comes in the clouds then I'll get to meet him in the new earth. In the mean time, while I wait I pray that God will turn me into a person who meets those standards I've described above.
Third, people can't be compatible because marriage changes them. True, marriage does change people, but does that change have to be negative and cause distance to come into the relationship? Surely, if the couple are committed to following God then those changes will do what God designed, bring them closer together?
Fourth, I agree we are all sinful human beings, but two people who God has redeemed, who are in the process of being transformed into His image, who are daily seeking to become more like God in character, will help God in the redeeming, transforming process as they come to God first and each other second, for love, forgiveness and unconditional acceptance. So instead of destroying each other they will help to refine and build each other up into God's image. This doesn't mean marriage will be easy, but it does mean that when things go wrong the problem is not between you and your partner, it is between you and God.
In Conclusion:
Yes, I'd like to get married, but only if I KNOW that the person I'm marrying is the person God has planned for me. If/when I marry it will be a God thing from start to finish.
This is a wonderful blog, Cat - very inspiring and challenging. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts. I married a non-Christian when I was an inexperienced and foolish 20 year old going by feelings. Before we had been married 4 years I was cast out with two little girls, heartbroken because my life had revolved around him. The rejection was deeply traumatic. A year later my life was transformed by a renewal of my life through the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I was literally a new person. After 3 more years on my own, struggling to be both mother and father to my girls I told God I was happy to be on my own for the rest of my life if that was the way to be in the centre of His Will. I was determined I was never going to fall in love again until I knew that man was God's choice for my life. A week later I met John. We have a lot of differences but in the most important thing we are the alike - we both love Jesus. A marriage without the spiritual compatibility, being able to share a relationship with Jesus, misses out on so much. Good on you for waiting for God's best :-) God bless you Cat. Esther
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Esther, and I know God has really blessed you with John, he is a good man!!!
DeleteThanks Cat, and thanks anon. I was on the other side of that coin, with no belief and a 19 Year old Christian girlfriend. She had (unbeknownst to me) taken her concerns to God, with a vow that she could not marry an unbeliever, but believed the relationship was His will, and left it in his care. Four years later she married a believer.
ReplyDeleteI have found times when marriage has not been much fun, mainly with weeks and weeks of sleep deprivation from our constantly demanding offspring. I have also found it is then that we need each other more than ever. It is not hollywoods 'happily ever after', rather it is 'absolutely grateful to have someone to share the good, the bad, and the ugly, and grow more deeply in love with every day, week, and year'.
Thanks for sharing your story :-) God is very good - praise worthy in fact!!!
Deletefirst point - eyes across room - disagree, you make it sound like were just looking at the T&A, in reality only about 15% of communication is verbal so the eyes across room thing is entirely valid. Oh im not saying love at firs sight but things like mutual attraction an observation about the person from their dress and deportment and other body language is important and can be subconsciously evaluated in a very short space of time. its not just lust.
ReplyDeletesecond - peoples standards standards are too high - Disagree - peoples standards are not high enough and the real important check boxes are often largely left unchecked because the "big 3" are all good (aesthetics, chemistry, social status) and while those are important to some degree in order for a greater chance of success one should not forget the other important things to check and work through, spiritual values, conflict resolution, parenting theory, financial management skill or lack of it just to name a few. While writing this answer to your second point i did have a partial back flip on the Disagree, yes some standards are to high people give too much priority to the big 3 and not the others so lets call it a draw and say standards lack the proper balance and priority.
third - love conquers all - this is true, Love does conquer all. Love meaning genuine respect and a commitment to doing ones utmost to lay down self for the benefit of ones significant other. its a given that lust does not conquer all or even infatuation does not conquer all. but love in the true sense of the definition has the best chance of beating the odds over anything else. every hard part of a relationship that is worked through and resolved builds even greater intimacy and trust, trust that your partner will be there for you next time and will not just throw you in the too hard basket when things are not going their way.
regarding compatibility, some people are just broken and not really compatible with the whole marriage concept at all until some kind of healing or growth occurs, marriage doesn't really change people, its just that once you begin living in the same habitat as some one else you begin to notice all of the things you didnt before you let down your guard and the mask comes off. you no longer feel that you have to put best foot forward because you have already scored the goal its a done deal and the contracts signed. this can be a great shock to newly-weds as they discover a whole other side to their loved one - i for one know my wife had some surprises about me once we occupied the same space and my flaws became a lot more noticeable.
anyway as much as i would like to write more my lunch hour is over so ill leave it at only 3 opinions.
Pat:
Delete1st Point:
I agree with you. Mutual attraction at first sight is possible and happens regularly. However my point is that Attraction is not Love! It's just attraction - which can be a good thing if it motivates two people to get to know each other better in a Godly manner and evaluate whether they could possibly be suited to each other and if in fact they might be God's plan for each other. Too many people take the attraction, call it love and don't think any further about whether they really should be together.
I agree, attraction rises out of many things including the ones you mentioned above. But for many people the physical does play a large part, too large a part in that attraction.
2nd Point:
If you reread what I wrote you'll see that it is the article I am responding to that says people's standards are too high. I disagreed with the article - which means I agree with you again, I think peoples standards should be higher - we need to have God's standards. I like your point that 'standards lack the proper balance and priority.'
3rd Point:
Love Conquers all - again, I think we are saying the same thing, just in different words. It is Hollywood's definition of Love that fails and dies - not God's definition of love. I like what you said about trust and intimacy growing through the hard times as you realise your partner 'won't throw you in the too hard basket.' But if the 'things not going their way' is continually one sided even the most patient of partners may run put of patience eventually. Even God is going to say 'Enough is Enough' at some point and Jesus will come again and sin will come to an end.
Regarding Compatibility:
I agree with you about marriage revealing new things which can be interpreted as change, but change itself is also very real, in fact our brains can be rewired to a large extent, I've been reading the results of some fascinating studies in neuroplasticity recently about how love, sex and marriage effect our brains. The changes people talk about are real. I think God designed us this way to help bring newly webs together more easily - if they follow His plan and subscribe to His definition of love.
Thanks for your thoughts :-)