The Topic Of Marriage Again - AKA Finding A Marriage Partner

Here in South Korea I have a lovely bunch of friends, we meet every Sabbath for church and spend the day together. They are all very opinionated and we discuss anything and everything. At length, often loudly. Sometimes it becomes difficult to finish a sentence. However terrible that sounds it actually isn't. I consider these wonderful people to be my family in Korea. 

One of the things we often discus is marriage, particularly the finding of suitable  partners for marriage, since we are all (with the exception of one couple) single and once people hit their mid twenties that is an interesting subject. Actually it is interesting before then, but once you hit your mid twenties you're old enough to consider doing something about it.

I have some definite ideas about the finding of said partner, but my friends here in Korea all tell me I'm wrong. I thought I would list them here so that the rest of the world - or at least my four faithful readers can have the chance to tell me I'm wrong too.

It is my thought that I worship a God who knows everything, He knows the future, He knows the past, He knows the number of hairs on my head, and he knows me, inside and out. He understands why I do the dumb things I do, and amazingly with all of that He still loves me and wants the best for me.

Now God also set up marriage to be a blessing for men and women and He gave us guidelines for choosing suitable partners, if we follow those guidelines closely then we will be safe in our choice of marriage partners.

So as I see it for a Christian there are two options for choosing a marriage partner:

1. Follow the guidelines God has given, find somebody you consider to be suitable, who you love, and if they feel the same about you, then get married. 

2. Skip all the above and just ask God to bring your partner to you when He/God is ready. Making it very clear that this is the person you are to marry. 

(3. And obviously for non-christians there is a whole host of other options open to them.)

All my friends are going with Option 1. However it seems to me that option 2. is more trustworthy. 

Option 2 is also rather pragmatic, I mean why spend my every waking moment trying to determine if so and so or such and such 'likes' me? and if they do, are they 'the one'? When I have a God who knows all about me, and all about every potential partner for me on the planet. Why not save myself all the angst and let Him choose the guy, and bring him to me, or me to him, when the time is right? I trust God more than I trust my own judgement, and I know He wants the best for me AND for the guy He chooses. Plus, (pragmatic again,) I have better things to be doing with my time and my brain. (I do confess to slipping into that thinking pattern sometimes, drives me nuts, so NOT peaceful. I don't like it.) 

Now I don't think there is anything wrong with Option 1. God gave us these guidelines exactly to allow us to choose for ourselves if we want to and to keep us safe. I also know that I am rather easily pleased and tend to be content in most situations, so I could go with Option 1 and I would probably be happy - as long as the guy I ended up with didn't beat me, etc.

However, why settle for good when I could have best? Maybe that sounds a little selfish? But seriously why not? God is happy to help, in fact longing to help. So why not let Him? Why not allow God to showcase His power and love in my life?

Like I said before there is nothing wrong with choosing Option 1, it is just that Option 2 seems so much more sensible, and safer. 

Now let me clarify about Option 2, I DON'T mean I'm waiting around for God to drop my future partner down my chimney like Santa Claus. What I mean is that instead of concerning myself looking for a husband I'm busy, living a full life, working to show people how good God is and that He is coming back to this earth soon. Basically getting on with life and living as closely to God as I can. And most importantly protecting my heart, not letting my heart belong to anyone except me and God. (Yes, this is possible, it involves refusing to think along certain lines regarding eligible men and keeping them focused on God instead.)

Then when/if the time is right God will somehow connect me with the person I am to marry. I don't know how He will do that, there are a million potential ways, and God will make sure I know - and the guy knows - that we are ones He has planned for each other. I'm refusing to worry about that too. God knows how to get through my thick skull, He does it regularly on other topics, I know He can do it for this too. 

Basically, I'm not hunting for a husband, but I am open to marriage as a life path if God made it clear that that was His choice for me.

And if I never marry? Well I'm ok with that! I have had a wonderful life to date, and I wouldn't change very much of it. Even the hard times. (What I would change is all the doubting and arguing I have done with God over the years.) Why spoil a great life by making a bad choice in the marriage department? Why not leave the choice to God and continue having a wonderful life?

Esther

Like I said a couple of blog posts back, I've been rereading Esther - Not very quickly because I keep getting sidetracked by thinking. Which is really not sidetracking because the whole point of reading the Bible is to stop and think.

This morning I was reading in Esther chapter 2. There are two points that I found interesting.

1. She gets 'taken' to the palace, which suggests it wasn't voluntary. But instead of fighting against what has happened to her she accepts her new situation, she stays kind and does her best in these new circumstances and as a result she wins the favour of the eunuchs who were in charge of looking after her and preparing her for her encounter with the king. So this suggested to me,  that we (I) also need to accept whatever situation we (I) find ourselves (myself) in and ask God to protect and lead and then continue to be kind and loving to the people around us (me).

2. The servants of the King provided all the cosmetics, the clothing, the jewellery, the beauty treatments, and whatever else was necessary for the women to be made as attractive as possible. Esther trusted the servants of the King and allowed them to choose for her. Which is sensible, seeing as they actually knew the King and she didn't. As a result Esther won the ultimate 'Bachelorette' competition and was made Queen. By Analogy, we (I) need to trust the leading of the Holy Spirit and do what He directs us (me) to do through the Bible. So that we (I) can win favour with God and win our (my) place in Heaven.

I am thinking that if we follow these two principles that we will not only please God and win Heaven, we will also have happier lives here on earth.

KinderSurprises

I'm not sure if I mentioned on here what my job is this time around in Korea. Just in case I didn't, I'm working in a kindergarten. A very exceedingly new and interesting experience. I have six little girls who I try to teach the basics of English to for two hours everyday. I suspect you will be hearing a lot more about them. It is a new school, so while they are growing their classes I also teach some of the older children, that is also fun.

Now finally after two months my kinders are starting to be able to communicate little things to me. It is such a feeling of accomplishment when we manage to understand each other on something that is outside of the routine classroom stuff. Like today they managed to tell me that they have a small iguana at there normal kindergarten - the one they go to before their specialised English, ie me!

Anyway, I also discovered today that even at their young ages they have learned the art of flattery and sucking up.

A few weeks back we were doing the face for our weekly theme and I took my glasses off to show them my eyes - they are green, which is incredibly rare in Korea - Korean's all have black/brown eyes, and most foreigners have either brown or blue eyes. (Strange because green eyes are relatively common in NZ - or maybe it is just my family...) Anyway that apparently intrigued them because whenever a new student arrives (there were only three then) the first thing they tell the new student about me is that I have green eyes.

So today, they come into class and start saying "Teacher off" and making motions with their hands like they are taking their imaginary glasses off, so I obliged and took mine off. They looked at me for a moment and then said "Teacher beautiful." And then they all held out their hands and shouted in unison "Sticker."

I nearly fell off the chair laughing and I did not reward the sucking up with stickers. But I did tell them that they were all beautiful too.

The power stickers is a marvellous thing!

This and That

My Goal

Today's post is going to be one of those all over the place 'what have I been doing/thinking lately' randomnesses. Probably full of misspellings, made up words and sentences that are way to long and should have less commas and more full stops.

This morning I went out walking before most of the world was awake. (This is not hard in Korea where most of the world seems to emerge between 9 and 10am.) I explored some new streets, got lost, determined yet again that my sense of direction is completely absent and then studied the map and now I have a much better picture of my area in my head.

One thing that I love about my city is that it is essentially rural, there is a mountain (large hill for NZ'ers) between me a Seoul and I have a goal to climb to the top of that mountain before I leave this place. Tomorrow I shall start exploring the foothills. (NZ'ers: small rises in the ground) between the hill and my house. Today however I went in the opposite direction and figured out how to get from my apartment to the train station by foot. No longer will I be tied to the very unreliable bus service.

On my walk I found a park with some walking tracks and a large number of what appear to be blackberry or possibly raspberry bushes in full flower. I am planning to keep a regular eye on them and then when the berries are ripe I will partake in the fine Korean tradition of urban foraging. I regularly see people here scrounging through the grass plucking up green delicacies to take home and include in some meal or other. In one instance the grass they were foraging in was those square tiles of grassy earth that I had watched being laid down around some buildings only the day before.

Another time I saw two old people trying to reach the berries in one of the Ginkgo trees that lined the road where I was living at the time. They both appeared to be around 80 years old, maybe ninety. They both walked with walking sticks. When it became obvious that they were not going to reach the berries, even by waving their sticks at them they looked for another solution. Then I saw the old lady climb to the second highest rung of the fence that separated the footpath from the 6 lane highway full of speeding cars wizzing by maybe two feet away, she then proceeded to more successfully wave her stick around the branches of the tree, raining berries down on her intrepid partner who was propping her up on the fence by firmly gripping her knees. Dementia? desperation? or doomed love? (I say doomed because if they keep climbing fences next to busy six lane highways ... well, it could be very not pretty.)

I also found a lovely little pergola which given the time of the morning and the fact that this is Korea was deserted. Am thinking it would make a very nice 'quiet time' spot for my morning devotions. Somehow being able to get out of my room and away from the distractions of life makes it easier to connect.

Change of topic:
This morning as a result of an interesting conversation I had yesterday - which I will elaborate more on later - I started rereading the book of Esther. I didn't get very far. I started thinking about the King. I've always thought he was a bit of a chauvinist. Ordering his wife (Vashti) to come and 'display her beauty' in front of all of his drunk buddies. But I started thinking about this, now correct me if I'm wrong, but men want to be proud of their wives right? They want the other men to be just a little envious of them. Hence all those men in midlife crises's who dump their wives and go marry someone younger. Not saying that is a good thing, because it's not. But just saying that I am thinking it is a natural desire of a man to want to feel proud of his wife, that her condition reflects on him and if it is a good condition then he looks good, and if it is a bad condition then he looks bad. Alsorts of implications there - like if a man wants to look good then he should take care of his wife, and if she is not happy he better find out why, and fix it ... etc, etc, etc. Also a man should be sure of the value of what he considers something to be proud of, physical beauty, brains, kindness, a good character, etc some of these things are worth more than others...

Anyway, I was reading Esther and thinking about the King and it struck me that there is a parallel between the King and God. The Bible uses the analogy of marriage for the relationship between Jesus and those people who claim to follow Him. Now the King wanted to show off his wife's beauty to make the other men admire him. God/Jesus wants to show off our beauty too, so that other people realise that He is a good God and also want to follow Him. The King had a shallow standard, he thought only of his wife's physical attractions. God has a much better standard, He wants to display our characters, our goodness, kindness, gentleness, lovingness, etc, but He also wants to display our happiness, peace, trust and joy. He wants others to see that because of our interactions with Him we are better people and also happier people.

Which brings us to Vashti, the Kings wife. She refused the Kings command, "No, I'm too busy having a good time with my friends, I won't come to the Kings party and make him look good." She forgot that it was because of him that she was even able to have her own party. She took him for granted. All too often I find myself being like Vashti, God shows me something in His word that He wants me to do, maybe it is some character growth to make me more 'beautiful' or maybe it is something that will allow Him to display his goodness through me, and I say "No" because I'm too busy, or too afraid, or too lazy, or too ... whatever... you get the idea. I act like the arrogant Queen Vashti and refuse the God who gave me everything I have. In the story the King demotes the Queen and sends her to the harem of women he never wants to see again. (That's just the first chapter ... ) Luckily for us God does not do that to us, instead He keeps calling and requesting and pleading with us to do things His way. I think it is time to stop taking Him for granted and do what He asks - which will make everybody happier, including me.

So Changing Topic Again - That Interesting Conversation:
I won't repeat the entire conversation but the paraphrased version is ... one of my friends said that Esther is one of his favourite women in the Bible because she used her womanly wiles to good advantage. Now given that we had been chatting about 'womanly wiles' earlier, and he maintains that every female ever born is gifted in the use of manipulation, seduction and blackmail, and that I can't see how any of those things could possibly be good I was rather intrigued by this statement. On elaboration I discovered that according to him "all men want to be manipulated, as long as they don't know they are being manipulated, and as long as it is for their good." And in fact "being manipulated into being a better person causes a man to appreciate the woman he is with even more." I can see and even understand how he arrived at his point, but I'm not sure I agree, somehow it doesn't seem very honest. If it is true then I can safely say I am doomed to be single forever because manipulation is something that requires subtlety and finesse - not two of my biggest talents ... being someone who is a subtle as a brick.

Would be intrigued to hear if other men agree with this or if it is just his idea?

Cleo ???

Walking up the five million flights of stairs at my local subway station and trying not to die. An old man starts talking to me, "Where are you from?" Typical first question to a foreigner here in Korea, often followed by "How old are you?" And "Are you married?" At some point they may or may not ask "What is your name?" Age and marital status set your place in the societal pecking order. Name and origin are matters of curiosity. But I digress...

So I'm climbing hell's stair case (it's really really long, ok?) and this old man starts chatting.

"Where are you from?"
"New Zealand."
"New Zealand, that is a beautiful place, I thought maybe America." (Because the first assumption is that all foreigners are American.)
"Thank you, New Zealand is lovely."
"What is your name? Cleopatra?"

??????? I laughed, what else can you do?

Then he wandered away.

I am left to wonder - Really? Is my nose that big?? Well it is big compared to Koreans I guess. But I like my nose so I shall pay no attention to him!

(According to history Cleo had a BIG nose.)

Just another of those rather weird encounters that happen all to frequently here in Korea. Luckily I like weird ^^

Persistence

I was thinking about the story of Samuel this morning, where God introduced himself. (1 Samuel 3) Short version of the story goes like this...

It's night time, the child Samuel is lying in bed waiting to go to sleep when he hears a voice call his name, "Samuel, Samuel." Samuel assumes it is Eli, his blind boss/mentor/foster father. He jumps up and runs to Eli, "Here I am." Eli looks at him strangely. (The Bible doesn't say that but I bet he did - well maybe not because he was blind, but he must have thought it was strange.) Eli says, "I didn't call you, go back to bed." So Samuel goes and lies down again.

This scenario repeats two more times - but by the third time Eli gets a clue, and adds to his instructions, "I didn't call you, go back to bed. It is God calling you, next time he calls say to him 'Speak my Lord, for your servant is listening.'" Samuel does exactly that so begins a beautiful and lifelong friendship between Samuel and God.

This made me think, Samuel misunderstood the source of the call, he tried to answer, but he answered wrong. But God did not blame him, and God did not give up. God kept calling until eventually with the help of a friend Samuel finally got it right.

God does the same thing with us. We get stuff wrong, we go about trying to know God in the wrong way and He doesn't blame us and He doesn't give up on us either. He just keeps calling.

Maybe this is another reason for us to share our struggles with our friends, this is the meaning of the verse in Galatians 6:2

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.

When we share our struggles Godly friends can help us to connect with God, and God will solve our problems.

New City

My city is not all futuristic like this, I just liked the idea :-)

So today I thought I’d tell you about where I’m living now. It’s colloquially called ‘New City’ because it is literally a new city. Basically the government decided they wanted another city, so they built one. Someone – or a group of someones sat down and planned a city for a few million people in a spot where at that point in time there were only fields and ruralness. They planned the roads, where the buildings would be, where the schools would be and how many students would go to the schools, everything. Then they called in the contractors, and the money people and they began to build.

It is very strange. Have you ever played the game SimCity? Well I feel like I’m living in SimCity. My idea of city growth up until this point has been that it is rather organic. Someone builds a house, and then someone else builds one down the road. Other people build nearby, maybe some industry starts that brings more people. When there are enough people a school gets built, some restaurants, shops, etc … At some point official planning for growth begins, but generally that is years down the track.

This is completely different. There is building going on all around me, next to my institute there are two buildings being built and another two nearing completion on the corners of the block, and then there is another empty lot  just across from my institute. I expect them to start on that any day … My apartment has an empty lot next to it that is currently used for parking, but I am waiting with great interest to see the building process up close and personal.

Speaking of parking, that seems to be the only thing that hasn’t been planned. People park anywhere and everywhere. There are lines painted on the road, indicating that they are supposed to have two lanes, one for each direction, however because of the random parking it is next to impossible for two cars to pass each other on these roads. It is also impossible to walk on the foot paths, because of all the cars parked on them, so the people walk on the road with the cars.

During the day the population seems to double as all the builders pour in and begin their trade. The sounds of construction here are quite different to what you would here in New Zealand. There are no hammer percussion noises or electric drills or anything of that nature. Building here consists of framing up an entire floor, walls etc, inserting reinforcing steel and pouring concrete, then when the concrete is hard the frames are removed and they start framing up the next floor. When all of the concrete pouring is finished they put paper on the inside walls, hang the doors and insert the window frames, and they clad the outside of the building in something that I assume is designed to make them look artistic, interesting and different to the other buildings nearby. This is a rather hit and miss process. There are definitely some ‘interesting’ buildings around, some are more artistic than others. One building close to my place always makes me think of swiss cheese.

Where I live is the centre of the town, the shopping district basically. My apartment building fronts onto the park/playground and is upstairs from a Chicken Restaurant. I always wanted to live upstairs from a shop, but I had in mind something more like the coffee shop in ‘Friends’ not a chicken restaurant. In this area the buildings are not more than five stories tall. Ringing this shopping district are maybe a hundred or so twenty-ish storey apartment buildings in various stages of construction and occupancy. About half are still being built and about half are completed and have any number between zero and one hundred of the apartments rented out. On average I would say that at this time there is maybe 40% occupancy in the completed buildings. Some are probably 80% full, others appear to only have two tenants in a building that could hold one hundred families. I’m making this assessment based on the number of lights that are on at night.

Like I said it is very strange, if you go out after 10:30pm the place is deserted, that is not the Korea I know. The Korea I know has the streets teeming with people at all hours of the day and night. On the other hand I don’t know of any other country that would build on this scale. There is even a high school that looks like it is set up for two to three thousand students, but I think they can’t have more than two to three hundred – if that, based on the number of students I see wandering around after school. And the primary school also is way under capacity.

There is a saying “If you build it, they will come.” That is exactly what is happening. New City has been/is being built and the people are coming and filling it up. One day I asked my students how long their families had been living here, most of them have been here only a few weeks longer than I have. The longest was six months. Every day I see real estate agents showing people around, young couples with children, older couple wanting to retire, people looking to start their own business and in the evenings I see people who are obviously new to the area out exploring, or maybe scoping out the competition. Like the saying says “… they will come.” Lots of the people who have come so far seem to be starting businesses, but what they are starting are restaurants, coffee shops and hairdressing salons. There are many many many of these shops, I don’t see how they can be making a profit, there can’t be enough people here yet to support them all, and still they open more, every day there is another grand opening for something. The only people I think who could possibly be making a profit are the real estate agents, and there are plenty of them too.

So that is my new place in the world, host of my new adventure, ‘New City.’